December and first part of January, 20.Jan.2015

The last month of 2014 happened very quickly, I was taking pictures for a neon project that I will post soon and also I was working on my personal life. I’ve moved in with my boyfriend and we’ve been trying to furnish the empty space but it hasn’t been easy, a few plants here and there don’t do the trick but at least now we can cook proper meals and sleep very cosy. I’ve been also very drunk -cause I needed to- and so most of the days I woke up too late and the sun was gone. I didn’t realize that the diary that I kept last year was also shaping my life and brains and so more than a month without it has left me with an empty head and lots of unaccomplished writing here and there. I decided not to write anymore about my life cause I was getting feedback from it and it paralyzed me to know that there were people out there reading about me, I just found it so strange to get messages cheering me up when I was feeling down cause I never expected it to happen and somehow it made me feel exposed and stupid. I guess what I didn’t realize is what it meant, and what I was learning about myself from it. December represented numbness, loneliness and anxiety. The days were so short, the nights were so unfulfilling and going out had to be done for a reason, even long walks seemed somehow impossible to enjoy when outside is so cold. By the end of the month I had deposit my trust in a bottle of gin, the snow that came early and a celebration that never arrived. So being quite objective about it, December sucked big time and it made me feel insecure about it all, I hope I can blame it on the winter depression and that when the sun is back it magically heals my wounds and it makes me feel comfortable about myself. January has been different and maybe it’s because I started it very angry at myself and with only the hope that I could stop being so. My friend Stany came from Belgium with his boyfriend Erwin and Mona And Gert, guys that I got to know exactly a year ago and on the same place we spent the first 2 or 3 days of the year: DANCING. Dancing is the best experience to clear your system, you can feel how the problems minimize and the energy makes your heart pound so hard you can feel it, and when you feel it you might find some sense of being alive and surrounded with people that feel the same way. Yes, you are high, yes, everyone around you is; but sometimes escaping from reality is the best you can do when you need a bit of time off from the things you are coping with, it’s like going swimming and getting your body and head into the water, or like jumping from an airplane and feeling the air on your face, you are just there, minding nothing but that, and that reminded me that I should’t be so upset about existence and that life is hard but that I am very lucky too. Then my boyfriend came back from his mother’s, I was so tired of partying that I literally couldn’t move. I picked him up from the station and I guess the only thing that kept me from falling asleep it was his presence and the fact that I love him very much. The days have been going smooth, friends are back from holidays and spending time with them feels great too. Last week I got a stupid fever that got me into bed for a few days and left me very weak. I am quite looking forward to this year and I am somehow positive about what 2015 is going to bring. I already have flowers, a coming exhibition this Friday and a few plans for the months ahead. I want to get drunk again too and I want to lose some anxiety which is the only thing that I am working on. 

#diary #ManuelMoncayo #photodiary